New Greek Gods

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New Greek Gods

The ancient Greeks were pretty with it for their time. They had a god for everything! And their gods were relatable, with human flaws.

But, over time, they’ve fallen out of the lime light.

SO! It’s time to update the old pantheon of Greek gods. Make them more relevant to today’s mortal world. Here are my suggestions for some New Greek Gods!

guyseidon
Guyseidon: God of pickup lines

“If I said thee hadst a good body, wouldst thou hold it against me?”

argumenon
Argumenon: God of bickering

“What’s THAT supposed to mean? (… and so it begins)”

borborygmus
Borborygmus: God of flatulence

“Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Somebody crack a window… Oops, I already did!”

sporticus
Sporticus: God of exercise

“C’mon! Those glutes ain’t gonna squat themselves! Twenty more!”

noteus
Noteus: God of to-do lists

“Hmmm… Where’s that post-it with the list of other lists of things I have to do?!?!?”

googlio
Googlio: God of internet searches

“Done! Finally finished that wiki for Etruscan Shrews.”

whackus
Whackus: God of porn (son of Googlio)

“Uh, dad? Can you give me the keys to the internet?”

sneuss
Sneuss: God of naps and children’s stories

“Are you sleepy in your head? Are you napping in a bed? If you’re snoozing on the floor, be sure to close that kitchen door!”

haties
Haties: God of social media outrage (brother of Argumenon)

“WHAT!?!?!? YOU CAN’T HAVE AN OPINION ON MY POST!?!?! HOW DARE YOU!!! [block] [unfriend] [unfollow]”

fibrosia
Fibrosia: God of colon health

“I’m all set. Just gotta eat a bushel of oats, three times a day.”

appyolo
AppYolo: God of Phone Entertainment and Whatever

“So, while you’re playing Apptastic’s Bird Smasher 2, just use two fingers and make an upside-down V gesture, and your tablet will order your favorite pizza.”

parentheus
Parentheus: God of helicopter parents and unnecessary worrying

“Ok, little Tinder. We’re at your school. Make sure the Door Guard has your hand before you unbuckle your safety belt. I’ll be right outside in the car in case you feel insecure about anything. Have fun at college, dear!”

medius
Medius: God of cable news and conspiracy theories

“Polls show that most people think polls are unreliable.”

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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