Vintage Horror

Posted on October 31, 2025 by Joe's Dump

Vintage Horror

Happy Halloween!

The best way for me to celebrate is with some old friends… Really. Old. Friends.

A scary bit of fun with some singing delebs (that’s dead celebs)

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Vintage Horror by Joe J Thomas

An original song by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump (JoesDump.com)
Copyright 2025, All rights reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production

~~~ Lyrics ~~~

Key:
Boris Karloff (BK), Peter Lorre (PL), Vincent Price (VP), Bela Lugosi (BL), Anthony Perkins (AP), Tor Johnson (TJ)

— Song Open —
(Sfx knock on door, creeky open, storm outside)
VP: gentlemen, welcome! Bela, Peter, Boris… So glad you could all make it back.
(chatter from others)
BK: Lugosi! Don’t tell me you’re going to sing too!
BL: What’s the matter, Karloff… Don’t you like torture?
VP: All right! Settle down everyone. Peter, why don’t you get us started with the drums?
PL: I didn’t come back from the dead just to be Ringo!
VP: All right Peter, calm yourself. You’ll be more like Phil Collins, ok?
PL: Well all right, I guess…
(Drums Start)
VP: Boris, you’re on Bass.
BK: I’m down with that, Vinnie.
(Bass Starts)
VP: Get to your instruments, all, and let’s knock this out so we can all go back to our final resting places…
(Music Intro)
— Song Lyrics —
BK: It’s been a while since we’ve been here
PL: To play upon your darkest fears
BL: From catacombs and out the ground
VP: We’ve got the soul for getting down

BK: A messy death by rope or knives
PL: You’re struggling to stay alive
BL: From poison tea or drowning lake
VP: Your soul may rot in hell to bake

— Chorus —
BK+PL: We’ve traveled from beyond the veil
BK+PL: With clammy hands and ghostly tales
BL+VP: The time has come for you to scream
BL+VP: You’ll not awaken from this dream

PL: You see the signs. It isn’t good.
BL: No friendly face in this neighborhood
VP: Grisly ghouls claw at your doors
BK: A nightly terror of ghastly horrors

PL: From underground and outer space
BL: There’s nowhere safe, no happy place
VP: The wraiths and creepers at your home
BK: Will never stop until you’re gone

— Chorus —
PL+BL: We’ve traveled from beyond the veil
PL+BL: With clammy hands and ghostly tales
VP+BK: The time has come for you to scream
VP+BK: You’ll not awaken from this dream

VP: Still, in the morning, all seems well
PL: A nightmare only, truth to tell
BK: But daylight doesn’t last so long
BL: That you’ll escape this eerie song

VP: Go have your breakfast, lunch and sup
PL: Late in the evening we’ll wake you up
BK: The whole thing will begin anew
BL: We’re on our way to sing to you!

VP: (Ah-hahahahahha)

— Song Close —
(more chatter, everyone leaves, door closes)
AP: Hello? Am I too late?
TJ: No One Here! Time For Go To Bed!
AP: Norman? Is that man Tor here again? What have I told you?!?!?
TJ+AP: Uh-Oh!!

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Prez Like Me

Posted on May 30, 2025 by Joe's Dump

Prez Like Me

(parody of “Friend Like Me” from Aladdin)

On one thing we can all agree…
You Ain’t Never Had A Prez Like Me!

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Prez Like Me by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing: Joe J Thomas

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Prez Like Me
(parody of “Friend Like Me” from Aladdin)
Lyrics and Singing: Joe J Thomas

… *** V1 ***
I been convicted of 34 felonies
With a thousand more on my tail
I never pay any of my attorney fees
And half my lawyers have been sent to jail
With crazy billionaires in my pocket now
Poorly educated voters in my camp
We’ll own those snowflake woke up libs, k-pow!
You picked an idiot for your champ!
And I say, hey angry racist rubes, I’ll make you rich you’ll see
Let me promise you some crazy shit
You ain’t never had a Prez like me!
This is your country now, a Dictatory regime
Cuz I’ll never give you what you want
You ain’t never had a Prez like me!
… *** V2 ***
Yes sir, I got some secret service. I’m the Boss, The King, you slobs!
It’s what I wish, go take a piss; Gonna fire you from your jobs!
I’ll sink the stock market, and crash the economy
Raise the gas and food, screw all you dudes
You ain’t never had a Prez like me!
… (scat interlude) Hamberders! Duh Duh! Drinkin’ Bleach! Duh Duh! Covfefe! Duh Duh! Duuuueeee!
… *** Bridge ***
Is your Prez a jerk? Is your Prez real crass?
Does your Prez have his head, up his big fat ass!
Can your Prez fool you? Well, looky here!
Gonna take your benefits, rights, your future and freedoms and make ‘em all disappear!
… *** V3 ***
So dontcha moan and groan about this shit, you morons only got yourselves to blame
Despite the lies, the vote is certified; The country’s never gonna be the same
Things are great for me, not so much for you. I thrive on pain and woe.
The nasty evil things I’ll do, Deport your uncle to Guantanamo.
From the Gulf of America and sea to stinkin’ sea
My Maga mob are here to rob
… *** CLOSE ***
You ain’t never had a Prez, things have gone amiss
You ain’t never had a Prez, straight from the abyss
You ain’t never. Had a. Prez. Like. Me!
(scatting…) Putin’s Pal, Brain Worm Guy. Nazi Nerds, Paedophiles. Musky Boy.
Now get ready for my Term Three! Ha!

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Panda Parody Song

Posted on April 18, 2025 by Joe's Dump

Panda Parody Song

Pandas. You know they’re not from here, right?
Damn Alien Pandas…

Panda Parody Song
(parody of “Brandy” by Looking Glass 1972)

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Panda Parody Song by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Vocals by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump (JoesDump.com)

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Panda Parody Song
(parody of “Brandy” by Looking Glass 1972)

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas of JoesDump.com
… verse 1
There’s a zoo not too far away
Moms and Dads watch their children play
Just to see furry things encaged
They’d never see at home
And there’s a bear in this smelly place
Some bamboo chewin’ in her face
She’s a Panda here from outer space
Lookin’ harmless by design
… chorus
And science says “Panda, Black and White Bear. Eatin’ all them bamboo trees”
But that thing could be an alien transplantee
… verse 2
Panda has a secret lair
Mind control hidden in her hair
A spaceship with galactic flare
And an anti-matter core
She came from a distant world
Plot and plan and to observe
Invasion fleets would be transferred
The earth is not her home
… chorus
And science says “Panda, Black and White Bear. Eatin’ all them bamboo trees”
They’re on earth and want to enslave humanity
… bridge
That Panda looked into my eyes and the things I saw were gory
The police did not believe a word when I told them the whole story
A tinfoil hat upon my head to stop their cunning plan
But no one else on earth will understand!
… verse 3
At night when the zoo’s closed down
Is when I’m lurking all around
To look for things I haven’t found
That ET hides so well
… chorus
And science says “Panda, Black and White Bear. Eatin’ all them bamboo trees”
They’re on earth and want to enslave humanity
Yeah science says “Panda, Black and White Bear. Eatin’ all them bamboo trees”
They’re on earth and want to enslave humanity

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

50 Ways To Love Your Lever (parody song)

Posted on January 31, 2025 by Joe's Dump

50 Ways To Love Your Lever

(parody of Paul Simon’s “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover”)

Valentine’s day is on the way!
Time for some self-love, euphemisms, and good ole spoonerisms!

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

50 Ways To Love Your Lever by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Vocals by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump (JoesDump.com)

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
50 Ways To Love Your Lever
(parody of Paul Simon’s “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover”)
~~~
I’ll help you with your auto sexuality
Choking your chicken is as simple as can be
Sit back, relax, undo that zipper easily
There must be fifty ways to love your lever
Don’t look at me as if my words are being rude
A chat about your skin flute’s bound to get a little crude
You sure don’t want to be a nasty little incel dude
There must be fifty ways to love your lever
Fifty ways to love your lever
…
You just slip out your schlong, Kong; Movin’ your hand, Stan
Ain’t playin’ with no toy, Roy; Just set your junk free
Oh, you give it a touch, Gus; In the under the butt nut hut!
Just grab what you see, Lee; And set your junk free
Yank on the crank, Frank. Pull on the pud Judd
Grab hold of the tool, Fool. Just set your junk free
Gonna bust a big nut, Chuck; Shift into that beef clutch
Well beat on the meat, Pete; And set your junk free
…
She said “I hope you see the method in my way”
On your way out, there’s a lady who’d be glad to take your pay
And I said, thank you Dr Ruth…
But can you tell me more about the fifty ways?
She said, “Why don’t you go home and take it in your hands?”
“It’ll be a big relief to all the pressure in your glands”
And as I walked out, I knew I could be the much bigger man
Who knows the fifty ways to love your lever
Fifty ways to love your lever
…
You just slip out your schlong, Kong; Movin’ your hand, Stan
Ain’t playin’ with no toy, Roy; Just set your junk free
Oh, you give it a touch, Gus; In the under the butt nut hut!
Just grab what you see, Lee; And set your junk free
Yank on the crank, Frank. Pull on the pud Judd
Grab hold of the tool, Fool. Just set your junk free
Gonna bust a big nut, Chuck; Shift into that beef clutch
Well beat on the meat, Pete; And set your junk free

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Hannibal Lecter (Eleanor Rigby parody)

Posted on October 18, 2024 by Joe's Dump

Hannibal Lecter

(parody of “Eleanor Rigby” by The Beatles)

Ah, Look at all the tasty people!

A Halloween Parody from Joe’s Dump…

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Hannibal Lecter by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Hannibal Lecter
(parody of “Eleanor Rigby” by The Beatles)
Lyrics and Singing: Joe J Thomas
~~~
Ah, look at all the tasty people.
Ah, look at all the tasty people.
Hannibal Lecter, he’s eating liver, chianti, some nice fava beans
This is his dream
Out in his locker, he’s got a face that he keeps in a jar by the door
One that he wore
All the tasty people, He hunts them just for fun
All the tasty people. He’ll eat them one by one
She’s Clarice Starling. Hannibal wants her to come and discuss all her fears
Don’t go too near!
None of it’s working. Buffalo Bill has the senator’s daughter somewhere
A lamb in his lair
All the tasty people, He hunts them just for fun
All the tasty people. He’ll eat them one by one
Ah, look at all the tasty people.
Ah, look at all the tasty people.
Hannibal Lecter, escaped from his cell and they’re looking for someone to blame
Oh what a shame
There’s Agent Starling, she thought she knew just exactly the thing he would crave
He’s so depraved
All the tasty people, He hunts them just for fun
All the tasty people. He’ll eat them one by one

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

You’re Not A Bat (a Batman parody)

Posted on September 27, 2024 by Joe's Dump

You’re Not A Bat

(parody of “Year of the Cat” by Al Stewart)

Poor Batman… he needs a 6+ minute Noir style tribute song.
(well, that’s what I think anyway)

For the impatient, the words kick in at about the 1 minute mark 😉

Dedicated to the memory of Adam West, the one true Batman.

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

You're Not A Bat by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
You’re Not A Bat
(parody of Al Stewart’s “Year of the Cat”)
Lyrics and Singing: Joe J Thomas
~~~
In the morning you have tea with Alfred
In the evening you go combat crime
Cuz a millionaire whose life’s completely boring
Doesn’t have a good time
You drive out in the night as a fearsome sight
Like some maniac who’s gone insane
The villains may have their machinations
But you gotta play their game
Dressing up like a bat.
…
There’s riddlers with rhymes and questions
And you know that some harm occurs
But you battle thugs and goons with indiscretion
Playing on their deepest fears
You go climbing the walls when the signal calls
From a hidden cave without a clue
These nights, you think, I feel my suit is sweaty and it’s chafing too
Cuz you dressed like a bat
…
Well the world treats you so cruelly
But you don’t whine. And nobody can see
Your voice sounds gravelly but so cooly
What a faker. Just Bruce Wayne hiding inside
The suit of a bat
…
The morning comes you’re bruised and battered
But the battle still rages on
The commissioner is calling on the bat phone
And you feel like a pawn
But the batmobile has a broken wheel
So you’re sleeping in most of the day
Maybe someday you’re bound to leave it
But for now you’re gonna stay
Disguised as a bat
You’re not a bat.

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Bacon Bits! (parody of “Makin’ It” by David Naughton)

Posted on August 30, 2024 by Joe's Dump

Bacon Bits! (parody of “Makin’ It” by David Naughton)

At the intersection of Baco’s and Discos lies… Bacon Bits!

In the 70’s the world was awash with Disco and Bacon Bits!
Both were literally everywhere (I’m still finding Baco’s in my elephant bell bottom cuffs)

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Bacon Bits! by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Bacon Bits!
(parody of “Makin’ It” by David Naughton)
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
—
Lyrics:
—
→ Bacon Bits!; Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits!
My salad’s old. It ain’t no good.
I’ve got something new; Make it taste like it should.
It’s Bacon Bits! Make my tongue dance. They’re so legit.
Want more! Much more! I can’t quit! This salad’s drowned in Bacon Bits!
→ Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits!
I’ve got mashed potatoes; They’re lookin’ at me.
But they’re not complete; And you know what they need.
Some Bacon Bits! Savory, salty, so unfit.
Gimmie! Too much! Of that shit! All I can taste are Bacon Bits!
→ Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits! Bacon Bits!
Hey c’mon over here… it’s a new frontier, Bacon Bits in my beer!
You’ve got nowhere to run. Bacon Bits by the tonne.
They might call me insane. Bacon runs through my veins.
Atop Kilimanjaro. Underneath the Dead Sea.
My mind has expanded to a far out degree.
From Bacon Bits! I’ll put them on banana splits.
Oh god. That’s odd. Throw a fit. All that I need are Bacon Bits!
Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits! Bacon Bits!
(musical break)
You can mock. You can jeer. I’ll be up to my ears. There’s nothing to fear.
From Bacon Bits. My kitchen’s full of those tidbits.
It’s all I eat. Take a hit. I buy them in bulk. My Bacon Bits.
Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits! Bacon Bits!

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Seat 49! (parody of “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond)

Posted on July 9, 2024 by Joe's Dump

Seat 49! (parody of “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond)

Real life drama from my last transatlantic flight.

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Seat 49! by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Seat 49! (parody of “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond)
Written and Sung by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump
Lyrics:
…
I’m on a flight. It’s gonna be twelve hours. Maybe I’ll take a nap or two.
Wearing a mask. Cuz there’s this guy behind me. Sounds like he’s got a real bad flu.
Cough. Hacking phlegm. What the hell! Sneeze on me. Sneeze on you.
Seat 49 (cough, cough, cough). I don’t think you understood!
Not doing fine! I would get off if I could. But then I
Look at my wife. She’s fast asleep beside me. She doesn’t know that something’s wrong.
No rest for me. Just gotta keep my cool now. That guy behind sounds like King Kong.
Cough. Hacking phlegm. What the hell! Sneeze on me. Sneeze on you.
Seat 49 (cough, cough, cough). How on earth are you so rude?
Not doing fine! You put me in a bad mood! Oh no no.
Seat 49 (cough, cough, cough). You’re in public and so crude!
Seat 49. I think my mind has come unglued!
Seat 49!

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

7-Up (Parody of “Use Me Up” by Bill Withers)

Posted on March 22, 2024 by Joe's Dump

7-Up (Parody of “Use Me Up” by Bill Withers)

A song about disappointing drink choices.

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

7-Up by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
7-Up
(parody of “Use Me Up” by Bill Withers)
Written and Sung by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump
Lyrics:
…
My friends; Give me some Rum at a party
I keep tryin’ to tell them; I need Coke-a-Cola to get things started.
Ah-huh, and they answer; That they ain’t got that kinda stuff.
I, I, I, I, would like to use; some mixer in my booze
They keep on giving me… A little 7-Up. They gimmie 7-Up.
…
My brother; Sit me right down with a bottle of Gin
Ah-huh He told me; If I let it go to waste it’s a sin
And I’m sure he meant well; Yeah, but momma don’t raise no fool
I, I, I said brother you look confused; I need some Tonic to infuse
But he offered this excuse; A can of 7-Up. He gimmie 7-Up
…
Ah-huh, sometimes; I may imbibe a little too much alcohol
Y’all take me clubbin’ late at night; And my tummy is a butterfly free-for-all
Ah-huh, but oh, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe; Ginger Ale would soothe my stuff
I, I, I will not be amused; When I open the fridge to choose
What I see gives me the blues; It’s full of 7-Up. Just gimmie 7-Up
…
Talkin’ bout drinks that I won’t use; RC Cola and Mr. Pib too
Don’t you give me none of that stuff and I sure don’t want no 7-Up.
Don’t give me 7-Up. Don’t want no 7-Up.
– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

At Starbucks (StarChucks)

Posted on February 28, 2024 by Joe's Dump

At Starbucks (StarChucks)

(parody of “On Broadway” by George Benson)

In the mood for some Coffee? Why not try Starbucks, er… StarChucks?

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

At Starbucks (parody of On Broadway) by Joe J Thomas

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
At Starbucks (StarChucks)
(parody of “On Broadway” by George Benson)
Written and Sung by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump
Lyrics:
…
They sell you coffee in a cup at Starbucks
Or half-caf latte with some soy in there
But when it comes to pay the bill
You’re only there to fill their till
That money just evaporates in air
(oooooo)
Them drinks are gonna make you fat at Starbucks
With calories and lots of sugar too
It’s caffeinating through your mind
And subjugating all mankind
But nowhere else is left for you to choose
(ooooooo)
I finally understood the game at Starbucks
And started up a knockoff brand that’s deluxe
So now I own this coffee bar
It’s like a money cookie jar
And I won’t stop ‘til I’m the Tsar of Star-Chucks
– (fin)

Vintage Horror

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

Prez Like Me

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

Panda Parody Song

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

50 Ways To Love Your Lever

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

Hannibal Lecter

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

You’re Not A Bat

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

Bacon Bits! (parody of “Makin’ It” by David Naughton)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

Seat 49! (parody of “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

7-Up (Parody of “Use Me Up” by Bill Withers)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

At Starbucks (StarChucks)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this: