Colonel Sanders’ Gastric Bypass Band!

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When the fast food industry can’t sell you food fast enough, they come up with a new and dastardly plan…

Colonel Sanders’ Gastric Bypass Band / Eat All The Chickens And Hens

Parody of The Beatles “Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band / With A Little Help From My Friends”

Video:

Audio

      ColSandersGastricBypassBand_JoesDump

Written and Sung by Joe J Thomas
Music Backing Soundtrack: Ryohei Kanayama (http://www.goldmine1969.com)
Copyright 2020 Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production

Colonel Sanders' Gastric Bypass Band

Runtime: 5:15

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Colonel Sanders Gastric Bypass Band! (eat all the chickens and hens)
— Extra Crispy Lyrics: —
+++ opening boardroom scene with Col Sanders:
(general boardroom chatter)
(door open/close)
(murmurs of “Col Sanders!”)
Col: Gentlemen! Our secret herbs and spices have done really well over the years, but I fear that we have run into a limiting factor. Seems we can only feed people so much before they are full. We need something new!
(harumph, harumph, harumph)
Col: I did not hear a harumph out of you!
(harumph?)
Col: That’s better! So I have come up with a brand new product, and a new campaign to sell it to our hungry consumers… You! Minimum wage musicians! Play me in!
(musician: Yes sir!)
— the song! —
We got something new for you today
Just come in to Colonel Sanders’ place
You been eatin’ chicken wings and thighs
We can help you fit more inside
It’s gonna be a brand new you
That weight will all disappear
Colonel Sanders’ Gastric Bypass Band!
{music interlude}
Colonel Sanders’ Gastric Bypass Band!
We hope that you got lots of dough
Colonel Sanders’ Gastric Bypass Band!
You’ll wonder where your fat will go
Colonel Sanders’ Gastric
Colonel Sanders’ Gastric
Colonel Sanders’ Gastric Bypass Band!
Our food will always be here
For you to get your fill
The operation’s starting now
Just breathe in deep and count to ten, you’ll sleep just like a stone
Junk we sell you will make you grow
No nutrition inside you know
Selling sugar and fat’s our thing
The Colonel, Clown and the King
But now that we’re almost through
It’s all gonna disappear
With Colonel Sanders’ Gastric Bypass Band!
…!!!
Sanders Here!
…!!!
What would you think if we ran out of food
Would you get up and walk out the door
How ‘bout a breast or a thigh or a wing
We’ve got stuffing and gravy to pour

Oh, when you’re through you can go on a cleanse
Mm, see your doctor and make some amends
Mm, make believe as your waistline extends

You can buy buckets of our takeaway.
Then eat it all down to the bone.
Getting more biscuits and cornbread’s okay.
If it costs more we’ll give you a loan

Oh, all those chickens are raised up in pens
Mm, but it’s always the same in the ends
Mm, we just fry them by fives and by tens

Will we feed anybody?
You just need money for grub
Should this go in your body?
We sell food packed into tubs

You won’t believe that you ate every bite
The Extra Crispy really tastes so fine
We’re here to make sure that you’re comfy tonight
So all of our new chairs recline
Oh, gonna sell you whatever we can
Mm, gotta get you to buy and to spend
Oh, gonna fry up some odds and some ends

Will we feed anybody?
You just need money for grub
Should this go in your body?
We sell food packed into tubs

Oh, in the end it’s all chickens and hens
Mm, gonna fry up some chickens and hens
Oh, gotta sell you some chickens and hens
Yea, gonna eat all the chickens and hens
All the chickens and hens!

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Have A Covid Lockdown Xmas! (parody song)

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Have A Covid Lockdown Xmas!

Parody of “Have A Holly Jolly Xmas” by Burl Ives

It’s Burl Ives as you’ve never heard him!
(because it’s not him…)

—>>> Click HERE To Purchase On The FuMP!<<<---

Audio Only:

      CovidLockdownXmas_JoesDump

Video at:

Written and sung by Joe J Thomas
Copyright 2020, Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production.

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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Time Traveler: Month One

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Time Traveler: Month One

One month ago, my wife and I moved from Los Angeles to Barcelona. I’ve noticed advantages and disadvantages due to the time difference.

The following is my general weekday schedule, and below that, my thoughts on how the move has affected me… Forward! 9 Hours Into THE FUTURE!!!

Los Angeles Barcelona Activity
10:00 PM 7:00 AM Rise and shine!
10:30 PM 7:30 AM Morning stretches and hygiene
11:30 PM 8:30 AM Light breakfast; Check emails for auditions
12:00 AM 9:00 AM Walk; Buy daily groceries, bread, snack
1:00 AM 10:00 AM Auditions; Work
2:00 AM 11:00 AM Mid-day snack; Pre-lunch walk
3:00 AM 12:00 AM Other Work Stuff; Creative Time
5:00 AM 2:00 PM Lunch
6:00 AM 3:00 PM More Creative / Work time
9:00 AM 6:00 PM Exercise; Shower + Shave
10:00 AM 7:00 PM Sessions; Auditions; Make it Rain!
12:00 PM 9:00 PM Dinner
1:00 PM 10:00 PM More work (if needed); TV Time
3:00 PM 12:00 AM Bedtime!

This schedule allows me to be available until 3 PM in Los Angeles and 6 PM in New York. For the majority of jobs, that works very well. There are exceptions, of course. I’ve already had one session with LA/Tokyo/Barcelona that presented some timing issues. But I can stand the occasional Midnight-2 AM gig 😉

Positives: Able to handle most jobs and auditions. More relaxed schedule. Greater Work/Life balance. More available for clients in Europe.

Negatives: May miss out on some RUSH!!! auditions. Not available for late day sessions, classes, or meetups.

Other thoughts: With the political climate in the US of A, I found my time being consumed with negative emotions, both my own and others, while living in LA. Since moving, the distance has allowed a greater sense of calm, and a broader perspective. Perhaps it’s because the consequences seem less. Or maybe it’s just not being under a constant barrage of news, posts, and tweets. Either way, I feel it’s better for my mental and physical health. It’s possible the same thing can be achieved without moving. Turn off the TV, social media, etc. But if that were the case, I wasn’t able to find a way to make it work while there.

Next stop… VOTING!

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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Barcelona Booth

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Barcelona Booth

Last week, my wife and I relocated to Barcelona.
(how we did it is at the bottom of this post 😉 )

Since we may be here for a while, I needed a new studio setup.

Here’s some photos (click for full size), and the details on the equipment:
JoeActor Barcelona BoothJoeActor Barcelona Booth doorJoeActor Barcelona Booth insideJoeActor Barcelona Booth bling

The Booth: StudioBricks One Plus (VO Edition)

Comes with lighting, ventilation unit, extra sound dampening, bass trap, table, mic arm, and copy arm.
Overall… Stellar! Super quiet inside. Door handle turns up to seal the booth, down to open. Ventilation has several modes, the lowest of which is inaudible. Lighting and copy arm fit the bill nicely. Can always add more lighting easily.
One added perk: Since they’re made in Barcelona, the manufacturer came out and assembled it (for a very low fee)!
Another added perk: the acoustic foam on the walls has built-in channels for cable runs. So. Damn. Cool.
The only thing I’m not sold on is the Yellowtec mic arm. I’ve adjusted the spring, but it’s a bit hard to get it to stay where I want it to. I’d also prefer something a bit smaller. Might replace it in time…

The Mic: AKG C214

Excellent microphone. Very low self-noise. Picks up every nuance of my voice. Some reviews peg this as being “too bright”, but in my opinion it captures a true representation of my voice. Of course every voice is different, and you may not get the same feel from this mic. But for me, it’s a step up.

The Interface: Motu M2

Beautifully designed. Very low self-noise. Works like a dream. Really like the built-in meters. Also has an on/off switch on the back, and a monitor switch on each mic input for direct monitoring. Recommended!

The Headphones: Beyerdynamic DT 770 Pro 80 Ohm

What everyone says about these… yeah, they’re right. Solid choice.

The Cloud: Google Drive (Google One)

A final piece of the puzzle: Inside the Booth vs. Outside.
Google One gives you 2Tb storage for $99/yr.
My fanless laptop inside the booth shares files with my computer at my desk. Everything is backed up in the cloud and available everywhere I need it. Easy.

… And How We Got Into Spain During A Pandemic Lockdown!

At the time of this post (for those in the future), the Covid-19 pandemic is raging. Due to the horrible handling of… well… everything in the US-of-A, most of the world doesn’t want US citizens traveling to their countries. The exception is if you are a national of that country, or happen to have a visa.

My wife and I have what is known as a “Golden Visa” for Spain (mostly thanks to her). It allows us to live and work in Spain and the EU. Getting one is no easy feat, however.

So…

Step 1) Build a time machine.
Step 2) Go back to 2016. Be horrified by the results of the election.
Step 3) Jump through all the hoops needed for a “Golden Visa” (buy property, get health insurance, background checks, bank account, paperwork, visa, residence card, travel to Spain every time something is needed)
Step 4) It’s now 2-3 years later (yeah, lots of hoops)
Step 5) Due to the pandemic, jump through lots more hoops (call the embassy, consulate, lawyers, travel agents, airlines, etc.)
Step 6) Get an impossible Covid-19 test (nasal swab, must have results within 72 hours before flight)
Step 7) Discover Step 6 wasn’t needed (what?!?!?!?)
Step 8) Get baggage opened and everything touched by security to make you feel insecure.
Step 9) Congratulations! You’ve arrived in Spain!

Easy, right?

The take-away: It’s better here. I’m glad I followed my wife’s instincts.

See you in the (remote-er) booth!
Joe J Thomas
www.JoeActor.com

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I’m A Virus (parody song)

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I’m A Virus

Parody of “I’m On Fire” by Bruce Springsteen

What can I do with the creepiest song by Springsteen? Make it creepier, of course!

As heard on Dr. Demento!

—>>> Click HERE To Purchase On The FuMP!<<<---

Audio Only:

      ImAVirus_JoesDump

Video at:

Written and sung by Joe J Thomas
Copyright 2020, Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production.

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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Explaining Masks For Children (and many others)

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Explaining Masks for Children (and many others)

Explaining Masks for Children

(and many others)

This Spaceship is your Home, the Airlock your front door
Outside is empty space, it’ll make your lungs real sore

You’ll need a helmet to go out, it looks just like a mask
It keeps you and others safe, that is it’s central task

Be sure to wear it properly, to cover mouth and nose
And not around your neck, your chin or way down by your toes

Keep your distance out in space, at least six feet away
That space will keep the gunk and germs and nasty things at bay

Do not remove your helmet, no matter what you do
Not to talk or drink, to bike or run or chew

Just keep it on until you’re home – that is the only way
We’ll all be safe… Our lungs will thank you every single day!

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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Virus Newspaper

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Virus Newspaper

What if the virus had a newspaper?

Here’s the latest edition… in Spanish and English:

(click here for the English Edition)

El Periódico del Virus: Edición Pandémica
El Periódico del Virus -Edición Pandémica
Autor: C. 19

¡Buenos días, mis amigos patógenos! Gracias por leer mi continua cobertura de nuestra guerra con la especie humana.

Para esta edición, quiero decir que, aunque las cosas parecen buenas, todavía queda mucho trabajo por hacer.

Primero, debemos continuar atacando a las personas cuando menos lo esperan. Cuando se tocan la cara, tosen o estornudan, o incluso cuando están demasiado cerca el uno del otro. ¡Este es el momento de atacar! Esté atento a las personas que no usan máscaras. Son los objetivos más fáciles.

Recuerda que la mayoría de las personas son muy estúpidas. Casi el cuarenta por ciento ni siquiera cree en nuestra existencia. Su estupidez es nuestra mejor arma.
Los mejores lugares para ir son la playa, barras, oficinas, y cada área que la gente reúne. Busca para grandes grupos en habitaciones pequeñas. Cuando estas allí, mira para personas que hablar o escupir mucho. Ellos son tu vehículo para extenderse más rápidamente.

“Pero C.”, se podría decir, “Yo solo soy un pequeño virus. ¿Qué puedo hacer para ayudar?

¡Son muchas cosas! Usa “FaceTime” – Ponerse en la cara de alguien. De allí, entra de los ojos, las fosas nasales, o dentro de la boca. Aquí tu viaje comienza… ¡Ahora, infectas! ¡Infectas! ¡Infectas!

Si tú te sientes solo, no te preocupes. Recuerda siempre tener tus hermanos y hermanas. Nosotros estamos allí para te ayudamos.

Para ayudarnos a todos a mantenernos enfocados en nuestra causa, se me ocurrió un lema que todos podemos usar:

“¡Estamos todos juntos en esto!”

English version:

The Virus Newspaper: Pandemic Edition
Author: C. 19

Good morning, my pathogenic friends! Thank you for reading my continued coverage of our war with the human species.

For this edition, I want to say that although things look good, there is still a lot of work to do.

First, we must continue to attack people when they least expect it. When they touch their faces, they cough or sneeze, or even when they are too close to each other. This is the time to attack! Watch out for people who do not wear masks. They are the easiest targets.

Remember that most people are very stupid. Almost forty percent do not even believe in our existence. Their stupidity is our best weapon.

The best places to go are the beach, bars, offices, and every area that people gather. Search for large groups in small rooms. When you are there, watch for people who talk or spit a lot. They are your vehicle to spread more quickly.

“But C.”, you might say, “I’m just a little virus. What can I do to help?

Are a lot of things! Use “FaceTime” – Put yourself on someone’s face. From there, enter the eyes, the nostrils, or into the mouth. Here your journey begins … Now, infect! Infect! Infect!

If you feel lonely, do not worry. Always remember to have your brothers and sisters. We are there to help you.

To help us all stay focused on our cause, I came up with a motto that we can all use:

“We are all in this together!”

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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¡I’m Speaking Spanish!

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¡I’m Speaking Spanish!

I'm Speaking Spanish! (Joe's Dump Banner)
(parody of Billy Joel’s “I May Be Crazy”)

Nouns… Verbs… Conjugation!
Learning Spanish for 3+ years. Wrote a song. You will listen to pay for my lessons!

(and if you don’t speak Spanish, badly translated lyrics are in this video 😉 )

—>>> Click HERE To Purchase On The FuMP!<<<---

Audio Only:

      ImSpeakingSpanish_JoesDump

Written and Sung by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump
www.JoesDump.com
Copyright 2020, Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production.

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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Mask Confusion

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Mask Confusion

There’s a lot of bad information out there about Covid-19 (Coronavirus) and Masks.

So, let’s try to set the record straight on Masks:

  • Masks protect others from you. (non-medical ones, that is) They do very little to protect you from others. I wear a mask to protect you. You wear a mask to protect me.
  • They must be worn correctly over the nose and mouth. Not just the mouth. Or just the nose. Or around your neck.
  • Don’t put the mask on and off repeatedly. This means your touching your face more, and that’s bad for you. Just put it on before you leave the house. Leave it on until you get home and can wash your hands.
  • Everyone should be wearing a mask outside of the house. Everyone. Not just parents. Or elderly. Or people not running and biking. Everyone. That’s how we get through this faster.
  • Masks are not a substitute for Social Distancing. You still need to stay 6 feet or more away from others. Remember: the mask is not to protect you – it’s to stop you from spreading the virus to others.
  • Wear a mask even if you feel well. Covid-19 can and does spread without any symptoms. So just because you feel well doesn’t mean you don’t have the virus… and are spreading it to others.

ALSO! Wash your hands. Don’t touch your face.

Got more advice? Feel free to comment below. And I will be deleting inaccurate comments. It’s my blog – deal with it!

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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