The Rubber Chicken Standard


Chicken Measuring

The “Metric System” never quite caught on in the U.S. of A. And the “Imperial System” with it’s feet, yards and inches doesn’t make much intuitive sense either. Seems like every time someone wants to measure something, they come up with a new standard. Every news story has some tie-in to measuring:

“Just how deep is the ocean, Professor Doctor Person?”
“Well if you can imagine 3 Empire State Buildings stacked on top of each other…”

Well, I’ve never seen the Empire State Building, and even if I had, it’s still just another tall building!

We humans need a standard of measurement that means something to all of us…
Enter “The Rubber Chicken Standard“!

The Rubber Chicken Standard
Rubber Chicken

I’ve chosen the Archie McPhee Deluxe Rubber Chicken as a new standard of measurement. The reason is simple: every culture knows what a chicken is, and a rubber chicken is easier to use because it won’t spoil.

In the case of normal, everyday things, measuring is easy. I am 3.45 Rubber Chickens (rc) tall. My cat is 0.95 (rc) long. And my ceiling is 5 (rc) high.

For larger objects, we need a bigger Rubber Chicken. This is where the Kilo-Chicken (kc) comes in. It’s the size of 1,000 Rubber Chickens:
Kilo-Chicken Measurement

Similarly, smaller objects would need a tiny Rubber Chicken. For this, we have the Micro-Chicken (uc):
Micro-Chicken Measurement

Larger and smaller measurements can be made with the Mega-Chicken and Nano-Chicken.

Here’s a handy conversion tool so that you can see just how easy the “Rubber Chicken Standard” can be:

Length / Distance Converter
Unit converter for length

The Future!

With continued research into Rubber Chicken Physio-Dynamic-Expansion Technology, man may someday be able to measure interstellar distances using the Rubber Chicken Standard.

NASA has already taken the first steps by sending a Rubber Chicken into space (her name is “Camilla”):


Pretty impressive!

I look forward to a future where genetically enhanced Rubber Chickens will be able to measure everything from Breakfast Cereals to Black Holes…

Professor Doctor Person
(aka Joe)


15 thoughts on “The Rubber Chicken Standard

  1. Are these “Free Range” Rubber Chickens? I don’t think we should be measuring our future with GMO Rubber Chickens. I believe that since GMO Rubber Chickens are raised in an industrial fashion, small cages, hormonal feeds, etc, that they may be too small to use for measurement. Also, that method of raising Rubber Chickens, I find to be cruel and inhuman.

    • These are guaranteed, 100%, Un-Natural, Non-Organic, Chicken-like things… you have the word of Joe’s Dump Labs on it!

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  3. Professor Joe Doctor Person….I much appreciate your research and dedication (and to Professor Doctor Frees if he had anything to do with it). Nevertheless, your thesis, hypothesis, and post-thesis are absurd! I don’t HAVE an RC, for one thing, and besides how can I measure it….in RC’s? Your peer review just sucks big ones.
    But it you need to know, I am 3.36 rc tall. Give or take a beak.

    • Joe’s Dump Labs is the only self-referential, recursively redundant repetitive introspective testing facility in the known universe. No peer review required!

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