Defeat of the Spanish Armada (parody)

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Defeat of the Spanish Armada


(parody of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot)

Dedicated to my wife, who’s excuse for everything that goes wrong in Spain is The Defeat of the Spanish Armada… as written by my 7 1/2 year-old self.

*** BUY IT HERE on The FuMP!!! ***

Audio:

      Defeat of the Spanish Armada (Joe J Thomas)

Video:

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
Copyright Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production.

— Lyrics —
Defeat of the Spanish Armada
parody of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas

When I was a lad t’was one thing made me sad. Them lessons t’were all about history.
With memorized names, all the dates seemed the same. The whole bloody thing was a mystery.
One summer my task that the teacher had asked was a subject of which I knew nada
So I made up a tale and set it to sail ‘bout the Defeat of the Spanish Armada

One ship hit the bank and another one sank when the keelhaul was nibbled by otters
A monster at sea took another twenty three in the Defeat of the Spanish Armada
One Capitan at night had his beard set alight and he scuttled his ship to the bottom
As it went down in flames it dragged ten more in chains in the Defeat of the Spanish Armada

A nearsighted sailor thought he spotted a failure in the hull that was under the water
He went down with an axe and he never came back from the Defeat of the Spanish Armada
They passed through a geyser chock full of papaya and a fruity wave of piñatas
Fourteen of them wood boats they no longer could float in the Defeat of the Spanish Armada

T’was possession by demons for half of the seaman. They went mad and demanded horchatas
The devils and imps were all turned into chimps for the Defeat of the Spanish Armada
I finished my story and the teacher looked worried then called for my mama and dada
She told them I failed and my future had sailed with the Defeat of the Spanish Armada

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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Amazon Made Me Buy (parody)

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Amazon Made Me Buy


(parody of “Never Can Say Goodbye” by Gloria Gaynor)

I may have an Amazon addiction… maybe…

Audio:

      Amazon Made Me Buy (Joe J Thomas)

Video:

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
Copyright Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production.

— Lyrics —
Amazon Made Me Buy
(parody of “Never Can Say Goodbye” by Gloria Gaynor)
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas

Amazon made me buy, don’t you know now
Amazon made me buy

Even though I could just walk outside and get stuff from a store
It’s just so damn inefficient, shopping always leaves me bored
I don’t even need to leave the couch. I’ll just stay behind the door.
Tell me why don’t I go! I’m spending all my dough!
Amazon made me buy, girl.
Oh, baby, Amazon made me buy, don’t you know. Can’t say no.
Amazon made me buy, girl.
Oh, baby, I got a new drone that flies. What a show. Watch it go.

Amazon made me buy, lots of new stuff
Amazon made me buy

But the more I bought, the less I had. My money had run out.
Then Alexa clued me in and told me what it’s all about
She said “You just have to sell some stuff then continue to checkout”
Now I gotta sell! I’m in consumer hell!
Amazon made me buy, boy.
Oh, baby, my bank account is bone dry. It’s so low. Got no dough.
Oh, Amazon made me buy, boy.
Oh, baby, Frozen pizza sold by the slice. It’s not good. Tastes like wood.

Amazon made me buy, things I don’t need
Amazon made me buy

I had no more stuff at home to sell and my credit was declined
So I stole from friends and neighbors. Yeah I robbed their houses blind
I’ll just fence their things to buy new stuff. Oh, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind
Oh, whoa! All this grief! Am I a common thief?
Amazon made me buy, guys.
Oh, neighbors, I’m helping you all downsize, Got your stuff. Not enough.
Oh, Amazon made me buy, guys.
Oh, baby, The boxes are stacked waist high. I can’t see. Woe is me.

Amazon made me buy, I can’t help it
Amazon made me buy

Was it Amazon at my front door? I felt my face go pale
There were fifteen strong policemen come to throw my butt in jail
They said, “You can tell it to the Judge”. Yes it was an epic fail
Oh, I’m not feeling well! Locked in this prison cell!
Amazon made me buy, Judge
Oh it’s crazy, but Amazon made me buy, Let me go. Let me go!
Oh, Amazon made me buy, girl.
Oh, baby, Got a flamingo that’s twice my size. What the heck. I’m a wreck.
(music sting)
Oh, Amazon made me buy, boy.
Oh, baby, Need a thing to make Italian ice. It’s so cold. Just like snow.
Oh, Amazon made me buy, guys.
Oh, baby, Found a painting with creepy eyes. They just see. Look at me.
Oh, Amazon made me buy, Judge.
Oh, baby, Bought an elliptical for my thighs. Exercise. Buns and thighs.

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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Match Game: VO!

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Match Game: VO!


Voice Matching for Voice Acting


Match Game: VO!
In one day last week, I auditioned for 5 different voice match roles. Here’s some useful info about voice matching and how I handle these auditions…

What is Voice Matching?
Voice Matching is when a voice actor is hired to provide the voice of a prior role that was originally performed by another actor. It requires a special set of impersonation skills, and is normally cast via an audition. With celebrities or iconic characters, the studios will usually want an exact (or close as possible) match. Historical figures may or may not have an audio reference. For others, they may only want the general range and feel of the character.

When is Voice Matching used?
There are many scenarios where voice matching may be called for. The original actor may have other commitments or be ill. The project may be for recording a scratch track (later to be voiced by the original actor). With historical voices or for actors who have passed away, the needs run from filling in some missing lines, to recreating a voice from history. Another possibility is that the original actor was in a movie version, and doesn’t want to reprise his role for a game or series. And of course sometimes the studios may have financial or other issues with given actors.

Who have you voice matched for VO projects, Joe?
Here’s a partial list of some of my past voice matching jobs: Steve Martin, Harrison Ford, Vincent Price, Peter Lorre, Ronald Reagan, Adolf Hitler, Elvis Presley, Colonel Sanders, Patrick Stewart, Sean Connery, Leonardo Da Vinci, James Madison, HAL 9000, FDR, Warren Buffett, Jeffrey Tambor, Bryan Cranston, Charles Babbage, Steve Jobs, Werner Herzog, Max Headroom, Chris O’Dowd, WWII veteran voices, and voices from The Alamo.

Each of these voice match impressions took time to develop. And for every one that I’ve used on a project, there are dozens more that I’ve got in reserve. It’s a constant process of learning and creating.

What does it take as a voice actor to do matching?
As with most things, it takes lots of practice. You’ll also have to get used to all of the intricacies of your own voice. For me, training in singing and improv were the most useful. Everyone’s voice and ears are different. Some will be more successful than others at this. Each accent, character or impression can take weeks, months or years to perfect. Don’t be daunted. Baby steps. Start with voices that are already similar to your own. Sometimes, I’ll even combine several voices I’m comfortable with to get a new one. Get feedback from other voice actors, coaches or mentors. With time, everyone can extend the range of their vocal capabilities. And if you don’t end up with a spot-on impression, you may still end up with a great character voice to use on future projects.

A Real World Example: Vincent Price
In my prior post, “Price of Horror” (click to read), I go into some of the details about the process of replicating the voice of Vincent Price. The upshot was that it landed me an audition and a real job further down the line. This has happened to me several times, including a job for “This American Life” on NPR – you can read about that in “Comedy To Cash” (click to read).

It pays to work on your craft, even if there’s no audition or job at stake right now. You may be creating something you’ll need for the future. Better to have more tools in your toolbox.

Your Take?
Have you done Voice Matching for projects? Impressions of celebrities? Accents? Funny characters?

Let me know your views on this topic in the comments below!

Happy voicing!
Joe

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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Box #10 (Jim Croce cover)

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Box #10 (Jim Croce cover)

as sung by: Joe J Thomas

      Box #10 (Jim Croce cover by Joe J Thomas)

— Lyrics —
Box #10 by Jim Croce
Track 10 on You Don’t Mess Around with Jim
Produced by Tommy West & Terry Cashman
Release Date April 1972
View All Credits

Well, out of Southern Illinois
Come a down home country boy
He’s gonna make it in the city
Playin’ guitar in the studio

Well he hadn’t been there an hour
When he met a Broadway flower
You know she took him for his money
And she left him in a cheap hotel

Oh, well, it’s easy for you to see
That that country boy is me
Saying “And how am I gonna ever
Break the news to the folks back home?”

Well, I was gonna be a great success
Things sure ended up a mess
But in the process I got messed up too

“Hello Mamma and Dad I had to call collect
‘Cause I ain’t got a cent to my name
Well I’m sleepin’ in the hotel doorway
And tonight they say it’s gonna rain
And if you’d only send me some money
I’ll be back on my feet again
Send it in care of the Sunday Mission
Box number ten.”

Well, back in Southern Illinois
They’re still worryin’ ’bout their boy
But this boy’s goin’ home soon’s he get’s the fare

Because as soon as I got my bread
I got a pipe upside my head
You know they left me in an alley
Took my money and my guitar, too

“Hello Mamma and Dad I had to call collect
‘Cause I ain’t got a cent to my name
Well I’m sleepin’ in the hotel doorway
And tonight they say it’s gonna rain
And if you’d only send me some money
I’ll be back on my feet again
Send it in care of the Sunday Mission
Box number ten.”

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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Joe J Thomas Interview by Chris Mayek

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Joe J Thomas Interview by Chris Mayek

Had a great time being interviewed by the affable Chris Mayek!

We talked about my start in acting and my roles in Anime, Games, and even live action dubs.

Watch it below, and be sure to check out his other awesome interviews on YouTube…

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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Edith Piaf’s Nose

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Edith Piaf’s Nose


(parody of La Vie En Rose)

I’m a bit obsessed with Edith Piaf’s Nose… or at least that nasal singing.

      Edith Piaf's Nose (Joe J Thomas)

Edith Piaf's Nose

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
Copyright Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production.

— Lyrics —
Edith Piaf’s Nose 👃
Parody of “La Vie En Rose”
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas

She sings my blood starts racing fast
That nasal sound broadcast
It’s Edith Piaf’s nose
There’s a hole in either side
A schnoz I fantasize
’bout Edith Piaf’s nose
When her whiny singing starts
It pierces through my heart
And yet my ears hear doom
The music begins and there’s cotton to shove
Into my ears just to stop your shrill love song
My mind is finally steadfast
Your voice leaves me aghast
But I love your nose

You can’t give me what I ask
I’ll have a rhinoplast
To get Edith Piaf’s nose
Though it looks good on my face
No one can take your place
As Edith Piaf’s nose
When I thought that all was lost
I’d paid the doctor’s cost
You walked into the room
Our noses were certainly something to see
One was for you and the other for me
Now you sing and I’m bereft
I know true love is deaf
Edith Piaf’s nose!

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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Under Construction (parody of “Eve of Destruction”)

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Under Construction


(parody of “Eve of Destruction” by Barry McGuire)

Available for purchase on The FuMP! (clicky-clicky)

*** soon to be heard on Dr. Demento! ***

The true story of my latest move and remodel… still in progress!

Audio:

      UnderConstruction_JoesDump_JoeJThomas

Singing and lyrics by Joe J Thomas
Copyright 2021, Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not A Quinn-Martin Production.

~~~ Lyrics: ~~~
Under Construction
(parody of “Eve of Destruction” by Barry McGuire)
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas

They took my couch and now they’re loading
Into a truck but they don’t know where they’re going
There goes my bed and the dining table
I’d give ’em directions but I don’t think I’m able
And now I got a headache from this twisted fairy tale
So I tell them over and over and over again, my friends
Just wait and see my place is under construction

My kitchen stove is stuck in Italy
Now there’s just a hole right where it should be
Not really much that I am seeking
Just gimme one toilet that works and isn’t leaking
Or a water heater capable of heating
So I tell them over and over and over again, my friends
Oh can’t you see my home is under construction

Garbage disposal blew out my power
Been leaking like a sieve for over an hour
Now shipping man where’s my delivery
I’m hoping the forth one is just like it should be
Since they broke number two and they lost number three
Looking for someone got a package for me
But I’m so damn pissed that I can hardly see
Don’t you tell me over and over and over again, my friends
I’m living right here in this house that’s under construction

Can’t see no end to this home renovating
Used all our money and a touch of innovating
Got a place to sleep and a heater that heating
The plumbing is fine and there’s still a little leaking
I can’t complain but it’s sympathy I’m seeking
Just want a place where no workers are there peeping
And a nice hot meal without going out for taking
And I tell you over and over and over again, my friends
I’m kinda tired living life that’s under construction
I wanna be done with everything that’s under construction
~~~

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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How The Grimch Stopped Sessions

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How The Grimch Stopped Sessions


A Xmas Tale for all of the Voice Actors in VO-Ville 😉

—— Script ——
~~~
How The Grimch Stopped Sessions
A Xmas Tale for all of the Voice Actors in VO-Ville 😉
~~~
News Anchor (fade in): …and I’m your anchor Joe J Thomas wishing you a Happy Christmas 1966. Be sure to stay tuned for our new special, up next on participating stations.
(station id): CBS presents this program in color.
Announcer (music under):
How The Grimch Stopped Sessions
Brought to you by the fine cheese food like products of Krapf.
If you think it kinda might taste like cheese, it’s probably Krapf.
Singers: K.R.A.P.F.!
Narrator:
All the VOs down in VO-Ville liked sessions a lot
But the Grimch, who lived just outside VO-Ville, did not
To look at the Grimch you’d see such a sight
He spells it with an “M” to avoid copyright
Everything one and two that he ventures to do
Makes ear-splitting sounds from wig to wazoo.
One wish would make the VOs day such a joy
A nice quiet time to record with their toys
They talk to their Neumann, Sennheiser and Rode
From their foam padded mass vinyl boxes enclosed
They speak to producers and clients and such
Who direct them and coach them and pay them so much
But the Grimch doesn’t like any of this
He listens, or not, then says with a hiss
“These sessions are all a big bother and fuss”
“I’ll make so much noise that those VOs will all cuss!”
He turns on his bamhammer, blowwinder and boomer
Starts up his highscreamer, sireener, and vroomzoomer
The Grimch has noisewhiners that pierce through the heads
Of all the quiet VOs still sleeping in beds
Song:
You’re a loud one, Mr Grimch.
You’re a noisy woisey fool
You’ve got blowy, go-ey gadgets and a load of bangy tools, Mr Grimch!
Living next door to you is a 24 hour construction zone!
Narrator:
The Grimch did his worst, then turned for a look
The VOs hadn’t stopped, with new jobs that they’d booked
And a new thought appeared in his loud Grimchy head
Perhaps instead of such clatter there’s something better instead.
Maybe a rake or a broom would be nicer than blowing…
Then the Grimch said “Nah!” and continued his mowing!
(music to fade out)
—— fin! ——

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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Career Vampires

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Career Vampires

They skulk in the shadows… sucking the very life blood from your fledgling VO career.

Your time, money and energy… are theirs to consume.

But this is a tale with a twist: You give them all of these, willingly.

Who are these “Career Vampires”?

Even though they disguise themselves, they will mesmerize you into spending more money, giving more time, wasting your vital energy.

How can you avoid these monsters and save your career?

Do the work.
Research each one before you waste your precious resources.
Ask some trusted friends in the industry.
If you have a coach or mentor, they can help you too.
And always weigh what you’re getting out of the deal.
Everyone is different – there’s no one-size-fits-all solution to crafting your career.

Without further ado, BEWARE!!! Horrors lurk below:

The Three Wraiths: Conventions, Classes, Coaches

Each of these wily wraiths will lure you with promises of easy money, contests, prizes, fame and followers. There are a lot of good ones mixed in with a few bad ones. But it only takes one to set you back in your plans. False hope is the bait for their trap… your money is what they hunger for!

Sirens of Social Media (FrankenBook, InstaGolem, TweetZilla)

Like the labyrinth of old, social media sirens will draw you in. Stealing your time. Filling your mind with misinformation. Distracting you from the real work that needs to be done to build the foundation needed for a career. Cast them aside! Or, if you have the strength, be very selective where you roam. Despair lines the cold stone walls of this maddening maze.

Zombies of Your Mind

Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. Overconfidence and self-doubt are two sides of the same devil’s coin. One will lead you to believe you already know the way forward. The other will cause you to freeze in a downward spiral. We’ve all had these thoughts from time-to-time. Pause… Breathe… Take the hand of a trusted comrade when you need. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Video Ghouls

There’s a trap waiting for you… The idea that the internet can teach you anything! Sure, you can find video tutorials and binge watch until your eyes glaze over. But are you really learning what you need? There is no substitute for real-world experience. Go outside. Get involved with a theatre, improv troupe, or choir. These types of productions will teach you things you can never learn by simply watching videos non-stop. How to be directed. Working with others. Building real characters instead of funny voices. Acting and reacting with other actors. Feeling the audience reaction and feedback. Only the light of day can banish the dark reaches of the Video Ghouls!

Have you encountered any of these?
Perhaps you’ve run into some I haven’t mentioned here.
Help me to warn others with a career saving comment below!

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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High Speed Thinkin’ (parody of “Hot Rod Lincoln”)

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High Speed Thinkin’


Parody of “Hot Rod Lincoln” by Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen
Dedicated to the memory of George Frayne, aka Commander Cody (1944-2021)

Available for purchase on The FuMP! (clicky-clicky)

*** soon to be heard on Dr. Demento! ***

A song about a guy obsessed with energy drinks.

A comedy parody of a non-parody comedy… song.

Audio:

      HighSpeedThinkin_JoesDump

Video (with Closed Captions):

Singing and lyrics by Joe J Thomas
Copyright 2021, Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not A Quinn-Martin Production.

~~~ Lyrics: ~~~
High Speed Thinkin’
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
~~~
My doctor said “Son, I don’t know what you’re drinkin’,
But you gotta stop doin’ that high speed thinkin'”
(music)
Started in college just before an exam; My brain’s overheatin’ in a mental jam
That coffee was goin’ down real smooth; Got all them neurons startin’ to move
(sting)
Followed it up with a Jolt or two; Heart was racin’, blood was too
Answers were comin’ hard and fast; Not sure how long that buzz would last
(sting)
Had a Monster stuck to both my hands; Five-Hour Energy joined the band
Was writin’ so fast, that pen got tired; The page below just caught fire
(sting)
Well I put that test in the rear-view mirror; My life ahead was filled with terror
Only one cure would ease my core; I had to go get more, more, more
(music)
Got a job to make them energy drinks; A constant supply to help me think
The boss looked me right in the eye; Go out and make them customers buy
(sting)
So I drove around and stocked the stores; Walked the streets and banged on doors
But the chief told me to hit the road; Seems that I drank more than I sold
(sting)
I started a company in my garage; Mixed up some stuff with an entourage
We sold it north, we sold it south; Them folks wanted more in their mouth
(sting)
I named my stuff Nuclear Fuel; You drank too much you’d act the fool
Guzzled that stuff, kept me smokin’; My brain grew larger, that’s no jokin’
(sting)
The stuff I made gave me the jitters; Thoughts were random little skitters
Friends and family looked concerned; That’s one more lesson I didn’t learn
(music)
I felt myself expand in space; Mind and body not held in place
Shot straight out away from earth; I was the soul of my own rebirth
(sting)
Looking down from way on high; Planets and stars whizzing by
Up ahead I saw a light; Way in the distance clear and bright
(sting)
Inside that light, well I met god; He looked at me like I was odd
It only took a flick of his hand; To send me back down to the earthly land
(sting)
Well it landed me in a hospital ward; Without my juice I just got bored
My doctor said “Son, I don’t know what you’re drinkin’,
But you gotta stop doin’ that high speed thinkin'”
~~~

 

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

 

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